Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
- Charles Wadsworth
When you're through changing, you're through.
- Bruce Barton
There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?
- Kin Hubbard (1868 - 1930)
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
- Jean Kerr
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life >
> through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
- Dr. Seuss (1904 - 1991)
With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. >
> But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
- Steven Weinberg (1933 - ), quoted in The New York Times, April 20, 1999
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown
When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's always force. And when force is gone, >
> there's always Mom. Hi, Mom!
- Laurie Anderson
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
- Jackie Mason (1934 - )
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, >
> but you could see it a whole lot better.
- Ellen DeGeneres
A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits.
- Woodrow Wilson (1856 - 1924)
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)
There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
- W. Somerset Maugham
The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', >
> I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'
- Roy Blount Jr.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money.
- Robin Williams
Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.
- Jim Morrison
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
- Segal's Law
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the >
> Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
- Rick Cook
I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
- Zach Braff
There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.
- Cyril Connolly
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Groucho Marx
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
- Tallulah Bankhead
Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.
- Evan Esar
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
- Stephen Colbert
It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem.
- Malcolm Forbes
One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will >
> have entertained us.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
- John Wilmot
We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
- Mark Twain
My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.
- Cathy Ladman
Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.
- Kurt Vonnegut
I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote >
> down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.
- Beryl Pfizer
Nothing shocks me. I'm a scientist.
- Harrison Ford
One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar.
- Oscar Wilde
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright
No wise man ever wished to be younger.
- Jonathan Swift
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
- Arnold Toynbee
The computer is a moron.
- Peter Drucker
There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality.
- Pablo Picasso
Tools 
